Murder, We Wrote
Murder, We Wrote was a short mystery story that was posted on the original Da-Basement website. The story, which takes place mostly within Carbonear Collegiate, details the investigation into the murder of Carbonear resident Lori Butt. Chapter 1 It was a crisp Friday evening. The Guys, (Paul, Andy, and Phil) were hanging out in Phil's basement, as they did every Friday night. There was something strange about that night, however. There was a strange smell in the air. But as soon as Paul put on some deodorant, it was all gone. They were just doing the usual Friday night activities, which consisted of playing Nintendo, talking about wrestling, wrestling each other, and going to the shop. They were just minding their own business when, all of a sudden, they saw some feet running in front of the window. They thought nothing of it because it was a normal occurrence to have someone trespassing in Phil's yard. A little while later, someone let out the most blood-curdling scream that they had ever heard. Being the ignorant bastards that they are, they still thought nothing of it. Around an hour later, Peter, Phil's nerdy older brother, rushed down the stairs, which was strange considering Peter never leaves the basement, and said in a panicky tone, "Lori's dead!" There were shouts of joy and high-5's all around. "How'd she die?" asked Phil. "Well, word on the street is..." Peter began. "You mean the Internet?" interrupted Paul. "Yes," said Peter, hanging his head in shame. "Word on the street is that she was gutted with a rusty meat hook." "Who would kill somebody with a rusty meat hook?" asked Paul. "I mean, come on!! A meat hook maybe but not a rusty one!" "Did they catch whoever it was?" asked Andy. "Nope, not yet," answered Peter. "At least it hasn't been posted online yet." "What's that red stuff on your shirt, Peter?" Phil asked with suspicion. "It's barbeque sauce, I just ate some ribs." Peter answered uneasily. "Okay, seems logical. But what's that white stuff on your mouth?" inquired Paul, as Phil giggled like a little schoolgirl. "I had milk with the ribs," answered Peter. The guys started laughing uncontrollably. "What? What's so funny? C'mon guys tell me what you're laughing at!!" whined Peter. The guys couldn't stop laughing. "Riiiiiiiiiight," Peter said slowly as he backed away and sprinted up the stairs, tripping up in his own feet. "Oweeeeeeeeeeeeee, Mommy! I got a boo boo!!" cried Peter as he ran to his Mommy. "Burn!!" exclaimed Phil. Chapter 2 The sun rose the next day as the guys emerged from their deep, Nintendo-induced trance As the mind-numbing haze lifted from their brains, they decided to go and check out the crime scene. They approached the house in which Lori was brutally murdered just hours earlier. As they swaggered up to the scene with an arrogant cockiness, they went right under the police tape. Then they saw a sign on the door that read: Crime Scene Do Not Enter "Nuts to that!" cried Andy. He hauled back his foot and with one mighty kick, the door was lying on the floor.. As they entered, they saw the carnage that had ensued the night before. There were blood stains on the walls and on the ceiling. The weapon used for the murder was lying on the floor next to a conveniently opened window. An officer approached Paul and Phil as Andy ran off somewhere. "What the hell are you boys doin' here?" growled the officer. "Hey, back off, Kojak! We're, uhhhhhhhhh, friends of the victim, yeah that's it, ‘friends.' That oughta fool ‘em." Paul trailed off. "Boys, this is a crime scene," began the officer. "Any outside interference or foreign objects that enter the crime scene could have a very negative effect on the outcome of this investigation. I've been on the force for ten years, I know how to handle myself around a crime scene. And you, the blonde-haired kid, stop scratching your crotch, you're making an ass out of yourself." "Whoa, Columbo, back yo' self up! I won't tell you how to do your job, you don't tell me how to do mine! Biotch!" retorted Phil. "So who do you think did it, officer?" asked Paul. "Was it Lori's sister in the, in the Dining Room, with the candlestick? Or was it Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the monkey wrench?" "Who's Colonel Mustard?" asked the officer. "That guy over there," said Phil. "With the large, white mustache, monocle, beige safari outfit, and a large bottle of 17-year old whiskey." "A fine, fine liqueur." added Paul while rubbing his hands and nodding his head with a goofy smile on his face. "What!?!?" exclaimed the snooty old Colonel in a thick British accent. "You boys dare to accuse me of such a horrendous crime?! I am shocked and appalled at you! I haven't been this upset since ‘Who's The Boss' was cancelled. Poor, poor, Tony Danza. That show was gold..." The Colonel then lifted his monocle and wiped a tear from his eye. "He's wasted boys, take him away!" shouted the officer as two younger officers grabbed him, wrestled him to the ground, and cuffed him. "Unhand me you young rapscallions!" exclaimed the Colonel. "Is this the end of Colonel Mustard? Will he ever survive?" Just as he said that, his bottle of whiskey was wrestled from his hand. "Not without my booooooooooooooooooooooze!!!!!" cried the old drunk as he was forced into the back of a cop car and driven away. "So as I was saying," said the officer. "Don't touch anything! Got it?" he said as he walked away.. "Hey, Paul, heads up!" cried Andy from the other side of the room. Andy threw the rusty hook at Paul. Of course, Paul instinctively caught it. "Andy, what that hell are you thinking??" cried Paul. "Now our prints are on the murder weapon!!! We could be arrested!!" "You can be arrested," Andy corrected Paul as he held up his gloved hands. "I'm not as dumb as I look." He said as he tripped over his own feet and fell flat on his face. "Quick, anyone got any chalk?" Andy exclaimed. Just then, one of the officers turned around to see what all the commotion was about. Paul dropped the hook and kicked it under the couch with a nervous smile on his face. "Anyway, let's make like a banana and leave," said Andy, thinking himself to be very clever. The boys ran from the crime scene with much haste. When they were down the road some distance, Andy pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "What's that?" asked Phil. "I dunno," said Andy. Paul took the paper and examined it. "Holy Shit!" exclaimed Paul. "This is a note left by the murderer!" "Awww man, I though it was a Bazooka Joe comic!" cried Andy as he ripped it up and threw away the pieces, letting them float free in the wind. Chapter 3 "Awww man, when's the lunch bell gonna ring?" Paul whined to Andy the following Monday in school. "I'm hungry!" Lunch finally came about two minutes later. Everybody was sitting around their sacred little corner of the cafeteria. There was Paul, Andy, Phil, Shane, Cheryl, Matthew, Natalie, Floyd, Amanda, "Wait a minute," said Paul. "What the hell are you doing here, Floyd? Get outta here ya hillbilly!!!" Floyd walked away, hanging his head in shame. "No friends for Floyd," he said dejectedly. There was also Mitchell, Jennifer, Pamela, Tara, Catherine, and Amy. Everyone was alive with chatter about the death of Lori. "Just think, Phil," said Cheryl. "That happened right across from your house! It could have been you that was killed!" "Wha???" Phil cried in a high pitched, girlish scream as he dove under the table in fear. "It could have been any one of us!" exclaimed Mitchell "Shut up, Mitchell!" They all shouted at him. "What a big loser!" exclaimed Catherine, as she took a huge bite of her hamburger. She rambled on for about 10 minutes and then there was silence. "I'm still hungry!" said Paul. "You already ate 5 sandwiches, 3 hamburgers, 6 orders of french fries, and a Diet Coke," said Cheryl. "How could you possibly be hungry??" "What is this, 20/20? Gimme a damn hamburger!" screamed Paul. "Hey, Catherine, you gonna eat that?" screamed Paul. There was no reply. "Guess not." Paul grabbed the burger and took a couple of bites. "Ohhh, I don't feel so good," screamed Paul. "So what else is new?" Andy asked sarcastically. "You say that every day after you eat lunch." With that, Paul collapsed on the floor, clutching his lower abdomen and screaming incoherently. "What's wrong, Paul?" asked Shane. "Taste's like burning," mumbled Paul. He was rushed to the hospital immediately. He got his stomach pumped and while he was still under, they gave him an enema, just for the hell of it. The next day, Phil, Andy, and Shane went to visit Paul in the hospital. "What was the doctor's diagnosis?" asked Shane. "Well, let's see here," said Phil as he looked at a patient chart. "Herpes, genital warts, crabs, erectile dysfunction, overactive bladder, constipation, and.... oh wait a minute, this isn't Paul's chart, it's Kavanagh's!" Just then, Kavanagh entered the room. "Oh hi guys," he said. "I just came back to pick up my stuff." He picked up his bag and started to walk toward Andy. "Whoa there, Sparky, that's close enough!" Andy said as he backed away. "You just take your stuff and go, ok?" "Fair enough," said Kavanagh. As he walked out the door, the guys noticed a slight bulge around his mid-section that looked just a little like a diaper. The doctor then entered the room. "Your friend had a slight case of poisoning boys," said the doctor. "A couple days rest and he should be fine." The doctor turned to leave but Paul called him back. "Doctor," he began. "I can understand the stomach pump, but why the enema?" "Oh, I'm no a doctor," said the man as he bolted through the door while singing the theme of Batman "Na na na na na na na na Batman!!" he shouted as he was tackled by several doctors. "Oh no, it's The Joker!" he yelled as he was being hauled away. "Where's that damn Robin when you need him!?!? Oh there you are," he said to a lampshade. "Wait a minute," said Andy as they all got on the elevator. "If you got sick from a few bites of Catherine's burger, what the hell happened to her??" They all paused and looked at each other with puzzled expressions on their faces.. They got off the elevator and headed for the exit. "Maybe we should go back to school to check it out," said Shane. "Ahhh, it's good to be out of there and get some fresh air," Paul said as they exited the hospital. "I'm finally free!" With that, there was a stinging pain in his wrists. He looked down to find shiny, metal handcuffs around them. "You're under arrest for the murder of Lori Johnson," said a police officer. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law, you have the right to an attorney." "Awww dammit!!!!!" shouted Paul. Chapter 4 As Paul was being hauled away by the cops, the guys started to go back to the school. When they got there, they found Catherine, dead in her chair. The infamous burger was still lying on the floor. "Man," said Phil. "You know you have a bad janitor when...." Phil picked up the burger and sniffed it. "This burger is laced with pure cyanide!" he exclaimed. "Who would do such a thing?" "I dunno," said Shane "But I like ‘em! I mean, look! He or she killed both Lori and Catherine! Whoever does something like that can't be all bad!" "Maybe so," said Andy. "But we can't let our guard down for a second! Either one of us could be next!" "I just thought of something," said Phil. "WHAT!?!" exclaimed both Shane and Andy. "I know," mused Phil. "I'm scared too." He then continued. "What are we gonna do with this bloated corpse here? The family will probably want to know where the body of their daughter is!" "So we're just gonna chuck it in the river?" asked Shane. "Yeah, pretty much," answered Phil. The boys grabbed Catherine's lifeless body and unceremoniously dumped it in the river behind the school. "There, that oughta do it," sighed Phil. As the boys started to leave, they were approached by Dirty Sanchez, the leader of Carbonear's most feared (and only) mafia family. "Hey youse kids over ‘dere!" he shouted in his famously high pitched Italian accent. "How would youse like ta join da mafia? Youse's corpse chuckin' skillz can be very useful ta da family." "No thanks," answered Phil. "Ahh come on, guyz!!" whined Dirty Sanchez. "Youse'll get benefits like health care and ‘life insurance' if ya catch my drift!" "Hey," interrupted Shane. "If your name is Dirty Sanchez, how come you have an Italian accent?" "I was conceived in a laboratory," said Dirty Sanchez. "The DNA of several thousand people was mixed together. I also got a sixth tow on my left foot and two and a half penises. Wanna see?" He began to lower his pants. "NO!!!!" cried Phil and Shane as they began to run. Andy didn't move. "Are you coming or what?" asked Shane. "Just a second guys, I gotta see this!" exclaimed Andy. Phil ran back, grabbed Andy and high-tailed it out of there. Chapter 5 The next day, Phil and Andy decided to go to Mitchell's house to play some basketball. They were discussing the previous day's events. "Maybe we should go visit Paul in jail," said Phil. "Yeah we'll go in a while," said Andy. "But right now I'm in the mood to kick some ass!" The boys enjoyed kicking Mitchell's ass at basketball. It was almost assured that they would win every time. Even more so on this day because Mitchell's brother, Matthew was there. "Hi guys!" said Mitchell. "Shut up and gimme the damn ball, moron!!" shouted Phil. Mitchell cowered in fear and handed Phil the ball. "I'm better than you at shouting!" said Matthew. "Yes Matthew, whatever you say," said Andy. "I'm better than you at being condescending!" said Matthew. "Just play, jackass!!" Phil shouted in a very frustrated tone of voice. "I'm better that you at basketball," said Matthew. "Ahhh to hell with this!" shouted Phil. "Let's go visit Paul in the slammer. It'll be a lot more fun than listening to this mental midget!" "Yeah let's go," agreed Andy. The guys dropped the basketball and started to leave. "I'm better than you at walking away!" Matthew shouted after them. The guys arrived at the jail and asked to speak with Paul. They entered a large room with a bunch of little booths. They sat down at a booth and were soon joined by Paul on the other side. He looked like a wreck. His hair was matted down and greasy, as if he were too scared to take a shower. His beady little eyes darted back and forth, looking from person to person in a wary manner. "So how's prison life treatin' ya?" inquired Phil. Paul got really close to the glass when he heard this and motioned for them to come closer, "I've been violated, boys," whispered Paul as he rubbed his sore ass. "So what's the big deal?" said Phil. "I've been violated more than once! You get used to it after a while!" "Got your gun, can't have it!" Andy teased a rookie prison guard. "Aww, c'mon give it back!!" pleaded the rookie. "I'll give you this shiny nickel!" Andy stared at the coin, as if held in a hypnotic trance. "Nah," said Andy after a while. "This is too much fun!" "Andy, stop that!" shouted Phil. "In a minute! You just hold your horses, mister!" said Andy. Paul and Phil resumed their conversation for a moment. Just then, a loud gunshot rang out. "MAN DOWN!!! MAN DOWN!!!" cried a guard. Phil whirled around in his chair to see Andy holding a smoking gun in his hand. "Here's what I think happened," said Andy. With that he turned and bolted through the door. Phil ran behind. The boys walked out of the prison and started for home. As they were walking they saw Shane across the street. Shane saw them and started to run across the street towards them. Just then, a large, hot pink coloured van with licence plate number "IMKILR" sped around the corner and ran Shane down like a piece of Tennessee roadkill. He died instantly. The van drove past Andy and Phil, and the driver, who seemed to be covered in a white sheet with two eyeholes in it, flipped them the bird and shouted "You're next you sons of bitches!!!" "Hmmm," mused Andy. "What do you suppose that means? Maybe it's a riddle of some sort!" Andy whipped out a notepad and pencil and began to analyse the driver's words. The driver of the van then suddenly lost control and slammed into a telephone pole. He fell out of the van and ran hurriedly from the scene. Chapter 6 A few days later, Andy, Phil, and Cheryl were hanging out in Phil's basement. I'm hungry," whined Cheryl. "Anybody wanna go to the store?" Phil and Andy were once again entranced by the Nintendo and didn't hear a word she said. "Fine I'll go by myself," she said. The boys let out a grunt of approval and went back to the Nintendo. Cheryl left the house and began to walk down through the yard. As she was walking, a large shovelful of dirt hit her in the face. She looked over and saw Peter digging some sort of hole. What struck her as being even weirder was the fact that his little brother, Andrew, had a flaming goat's head on stick and was repeatedly chanting the words, "Lord Satan, hear my call!! Vanquish the non-believers!!! Let the streets flow with the blood of the innocent!!!" With this, Cheryl quickened her pace. As she reached the gate, she felt a stinging pain in her back. She turned to see the man in the white sheet holding a bloody knife. He grabbed her around the neck and began to choke her mercilessly. She reared up with her leg and gave him a swift kick in the gojangos. She began to run towards the house and tripped up. "Damn splogs!" she exclaimed as she kicked them off her feet. She tried to get up but the man dove and stabbed her in the leg. The man then took her by the neck and dragged her into the house. There was lots of commotion but, again, being the ignorant bastards that they are, the guys thought nothing of it. A little while later, the unthinkable happened. Andy actually got up off the couch. "What the hell are you doing?!?!?" exclaimed Phil. "I gotta use the bathroom," said Andy. "Oh," said Phil. "Well don't use my bathroom, I had a little accident in there. Go upstairs." Andy went upstairs and let out a loud scream. "Phil, get up here!!!!!" he shouted. Phil ran upstairs and saw the horrific scene that Andy had witnessed. Cheryl was face down in the toilet, dead. "Hey," said Phil. "Someone diddled on the toilet seat and didn't clean it up!" Chapter 7 A couple of weeks later, it was Paul's trial date. Phil and Andy went to the court house to show their support for their fallen friend. The jury consisted of many of Hollywood's greats. From Sylvester Stallone, to Ricki Lake, to the guy who played Arnold Schwarzenegger's clone in "The 6th Day." The guys noticed that Paul was sitting by himself. The bailiff walked out to begin the trial. "All rise," said the bailiff. "The honourable Judge Mills Lane presiding." "Sit down you bunch of yellow-bellied, gap-toothed freaks!" shouted the judge in his strong Texas accent. "Now where's the lily-livered, man-whore that I'm gonna be tryin' today?" "Right here," said Paul as he stood up. "Well where's your damn lawyer, boy?" inquired the judge. "I will be representing myself because I'm smarter than the average bear." said Paul. "Hey, that son of a bitch stole my line!" yelled Yogi Bear from the back of the room. "Gee, Yogi," said Boo Boo. "I don't think the ranger is gonna like us being out of Jellystone Park." "Damn right I'm not gonna like it!" yelled the ranger as he unloaded a full round of tranquillizers into Yogi's ass. Yogi fell over and crushed Boo Boo. "Oh my God!" shouted Phil. "You killed Boo Boo!! You bastards!!!!" "Order in my court room!!" shouted Mills Lane. "I'll hold this whole room in contempt! Now would the defendant and prosecutor please stand." Paul and the big, fancy lawyer stood up. "OK," said the judge. " I want a good clean trial. No hitting below the belt and no comments about the odd shape of my head. Now let's get it on! Mr. Butt, please give your opening statement." Paul paced around the room for a while, as if in deep thought. "Jerk-offs of the jury, let me start off by saying," Paul began. "I'M INNOCENT YOU BASTARDS!!!! I NEVER KILLED ANYONE IN MY LIFE!!!!! AND IF YA DON'T FIND ME INNOCENT I'LL KILL YA ALL!!!!!!!!! EVERY LAST ONE OF YA!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY YOU!!!" shouted Paul as he pointed to the judge. "Objection!" shouted the prosecutor. Paul shot him and angry glance. "Withdrawn!" exclaimed the timid lawyer. "Call your first witness, boy!" Mills Lane shouted at Paul. "For my first witness," said Paul. "I call Peter Howell to the stand." Everybody in the court room let out a collective gasp. "Yes," said Peter. "I shall take the stand in the defence of my good chum Paul." Peter made his way to the witness box. "Raise your right hand," said the bailiff. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" "I do," said Peter as he sat down. Paul questioned Peter about the events on that fateful night. He answered them to the best of his ability. "You may step down," said the judge. "Wow," said Phil. "We wrote a whole 7 lines without saying something funny.!" "I know," said Andy. "Scary, isn't it?" Then some guy walked in and slipped on a banana peel. "Next witness!" cried the judge. "I call Mitchell Ford to the stand," said Paul. When Mitchell was put under oath, Paul began his interrogation. "So Mitchell," said Paul. "Do you think that I am capable of such a heinous crime?" "No," answered Mitchell. "Absolutely not." "The hell I'm not!!!!!" screamed Paul as he jumped over the witness stand and began to pummel Mitchell mercilessly. "Objection!" shouted the prosecutor. "He's badgering the witness!" Paul paused momentarily and looked up at the judge. "I'll allow it!" answered Mills Lane. Paul continued his assault until he was dragged off by several guards. Just then, the lights went out and several screams were heard from the direction of the jury box. When the lights came back on, the mysterious man in the white bed sheet was standing in the jury box, surrounded by dead bodies. He pointed to the body next to him and whispered, "It was him." The guards dropped Paul and drew their guns. They commenced to put a few rounds of bullets into the lifeless body. One of the guards went over to check the body. He nudged it wuth the barrel of his gun. "I think we got him, chief," said the guard. "Good work, boys," said the chief. "Now take him away!" The guard grabbed the body and dragged it out. "Alright, everybody out of this court room!" shouted Mills Lane. Everyone cleared the room, except for Paul. "OK, boy," said Paul. "I've got you outnumbered 3 to 1. Bring it on!!" The killer shook his head and pointed towards the exit. Paul turned to see Phil and Andy tip-toeing silently away. "Guys, get back here!" shouted Paul. "Awwww man!!" complained Phil. They walked back and took their place behind Paul as the melee began. Paul lunged forward at the killer. He sidestepped and Paul crashed into the judge's stand. "Dammit!" shouted Paul as he got up. He and the guys began a full assault on the killer. Paul kneed him in the groin and Andy knocked him down with a clothesline. Phil got up on to of the judge's stand and came off with a flying headbutt. Andy jumped on him and tried to get the pin. "What the hell are you doing?!?!?" yelled Paul. "Someone make the count!!" exclaimed Andy. Phil got down on the floor. "One," shouted Phil. "Two!" The killer kicked out. "Damn!" shouted Andy. Paul hauled off with a knee and nailed the killer in the groin. The fight continued with the guys having the upper hand the whole way. "Whoa!" said Mitchell, groggily as he rose up from the witness box. "What the hell happened?" The boys and the killer stopped for a second. Paul stared directly at the killer and he stared right back at Paul. The killer nodded his head in the direction of Mitchell. Paul nodded back. The killer whirled around and hurled his knife at Mitchell. It stuck directly into his chest. Mitchell dropped dead. Paul walked over to his lifeless body and kneed him in the groin. Phil and Andy had already resumed the fight. They were giving the killer a sound beating. Paul was still over by Mitchell's corpse when he got an idea. He pulled the knife from Mitchell's chest. "Hmm, this could come in handy," Paul said. He walked over to where the guys were beating the killer senseless. "Hold him guys!" shouted Paul. Andy and Phil held the helpless killer as Paul approached. Paul looked at the knife. Then he looked at his knee. Back to the knife. Back to the knee. Back and forth, back and forth, until he finally made his decision. He hauled off and kneed the killer in the groin. He handed the knife to Phil. "You know what to do," said Paul. "Are you sure?" asked Phil as he stared at the knife. "Yes," said Paul. "Go for it!" Paul turned around and suddenly felt a sharp pain in his leg. He looked down to see that Phil had plunged the knife into him. "NO YOU MORON!!!" Paul shouted at him in pain. "GET HIM!!!" "Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!" said Phil. He pulled the knife out of Paul's leg. He stood over the motionless killer, who was still holding his groin after that last knee. He plunged the knife into the killer's heart, putting an end to all the terror. "Now let's see who you are," said Phil. He pulled the sheet up over the killer's head to reveal the shocking truth. "I'm better than you at killing," wheezed Matthew with his last gasp of breath. The guys turned to leave. A warm sense of satisfaction washed over them all. They got outside the building and began to travel down the yellow brick road. "Whoa, look out Phil!" shouted Paul as a lion jumped out from behind a bush. "I'm not a lion," said the lion. "I'm a cowardly lion and I'm really scared!" "Oh really?" said Paul as he hauled off and kneed the lion in the groin. The scarecrow and Dorothy then pooped up. The tin man was off to the side sharpening his axe. "Soooo hungry," said Dorothy as she eyed the lion on the ground. The guys went on to lead very successful lives. All the killing left Andy with an intense bloodlust so he became a sniper for the FBI. Phil went on the become the most successful pimp....er.......business man in New York City. And Paul? Well, he got bitten by a radioactive spider and he became a friendly neighbourhood something or other. But that's a whole different story.